I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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