I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
