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i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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