on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
