Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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