So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
