apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
