nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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