I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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