3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize