even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
