you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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