Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
