i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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