All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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