Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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