Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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