New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
