you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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