Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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