i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
