i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
