dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
