96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
