I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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