So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
