Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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