Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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