Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
