I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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