Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
