he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
