Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
