no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
