i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
