There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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