you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
