I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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