i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
