i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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