I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
