Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
These tits shall not be calmed
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
