Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
