Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
