i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
