Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
where does the pee come out of this thing
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
