Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
