i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
