She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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