Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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