I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
