Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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