Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
