Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
