I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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