I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
