plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
