it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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