He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
