He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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