Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
