I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
