My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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