he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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