i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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