I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize