Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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