don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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