So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
